I'm hopeless

So a few months ago I ended a date, or at least a night out with someone who liked me, by asking her to pull my finger. It was the perfect move to make her not like me. I know most people and most adults would have talked to her or explained they weren't interested but not me.

Yep...I'm hopeless.

I'm an Uncle

My sister gave birth to her first child. A boy named Noah Orten Schurr. I wasn't able to see Noah when he was first born. A co-worker of mine was asking me if I would be there or when I would see the baby. I said I wasn't sure but wanted to see him so I drove to the hospital on my lunch hour the next day (my work isn't more than 15 minutes from the hospital). I found my sister's room quickly and was able to see & hold little Noah. My sister was excited & glad I was able to stop by so she wrapped up Noah like a burrito and let me hold him.

I am not a father and I haven't held many babies. Matter of fact I don't know much about babies. I had a difficult time shopping at Babies R Us. When you are man and you don't know much about babies it is very scary in there! I was so shaken up by that store I had to have a "guys night out" (and I'm not even the type of guy who needs or likes guys night out).

The part that blew my mind was the feeling I had while realizing I was holding a completely helpless little person who doesn't know anything, can't communicate, and can't give me anything. When I held him I couldn't help but like him. My eyes were fixed on this little guy as though he hypnotized me. I coulden't help but feel like he kind of belonged to me. The entire time I wasn't sure what to feel or think about being an uncle. Now that I am one I still don't know what it means or how I'm supposed to feel. I just know that Noah is okay and I really like seeing him.

Frustration

My car is parked in a Taco Bell parking lot after I had just bought my lunch. I'm sitting there calling the admissions representative for counseling studies students and I can't get through. Today was the last day to register for courses and with two hours left to register I wanted to talk with the admissions representative to find out what happens if I don't register for classes. Her phone just rings repeatedly before her voice mail comes on and it's enough drive me crazy.

At this moment I feel so trapped I want to break the windows in my car. I can see people walking along the street outside my car and many shops with beautiful windows & displays. I want to walk along the sidewalk and feel fresh air on my face. I want to wander among the stores and window shop for a while but I can't. I have to eat, get in touch with an admissions representative and rush off to the hospital for a meeting because I volunteered to be in another research study.

This moment in my car is a metaphor for how I have been feeling all semester. I can't explain it but I didn't want to go back to school next semester. I didn't want to work or teach the high school group in my church. I didn't want to do anything I had been doing this last semester. It's become mechanical & contrived. The phrase 9 - 5 sums up the working world. Grad school isn't rough or too challenging. Ever since the first day I haven't felt like I belong there. I love the reading and the thinking and learning but I don't fit in. The high school group at church has grown and is growing but I wonder what good I'm doing. I'm one guy standing up in front of a bunch of kids telling them about God. When I was in a high school youth group I remember there kids who listened and kids who didn't. After recalling those memories I wonder if it's worth being there. I'm not going into the ministry and I'm only volunteering...why am I up there? Why am I doing anything this semester?

Here I sit in this Taco Bell parking lot and everything I have invested my time and engery into this semester is constricting the life out of my dreams. I just want to do good & help people. It's all I can think about at this moment and all that matters and I'm ready to drive as far as I can, maybe until I'm in another state, because I don't see myself doing that where I am. I just want to find that part of myself. I like that part of myself and I need that part of myself to survive.

Clueless about registration I drive out of the Taco Bell parking lot wondering if I should go home, drive to school, drive to the hospital (for the research study) or just drive. A homeless guy on the corner with a sign (most likely asking for money but I didn't get a good look because I was almost passing him) catches my eye. I drive around the block and come back to him. He looks like he hasn't shaved, showered, or changed clothes in months but it didn't bother me one bit. He was one of the more pathetic looking homeless people...the kind you look at and think there is someone who is truly helpless and he was what I was looking for (maybe all semester). Someone I could help that wouldn't pay me back. Someone I could do good to, someone whom I wasn't obligated to help in any way.

The homeless guy is looking at me as I pull up next to him and offer him my lunch. He gladly took my burritos & drink and said God bless you. Usually when I hear that remark I take it as a polite compliment or a proundly deep expression of gratitude. Today it was humbling to hear those words because helping that homeless man was a blessing to me.

What I love about college campuses

The Author
It's 5:30 pm and I should be walking across campus to the far away but free parking where I park or I should be driving home. Instead I'm walking up the stairs in the Tivoli student center. I use to spend countless hours in here when I was a student. I would lounge between classes, grab food at the food court, meet with friends, find a spot to nap, and hangout in the area where college clubs leadership was given some office space. Memories of wandering around the hallways laughing & talking with friends, waving at classmates fill my mind (The Auraria campus has three colleges with a total of 30,000 students. Considering those numbers most anyone was always impressed when they saw someone they knew! I could have a class with someone one semester and not seem the for a year or two).

Tonight I will hear a writer/professor from Northwestern read from a recently published book. I sit in the back of the room because I'm late and there isn't much seating. The Tivoli use to be a brewery so I'm sitting on top of some large structure that I assume was used to make beer or some how involved in part of that process. 50 some students & teachers from various programs sit before me and the author is behind a podium. The lighting in this wing we are sitting is similar to mood lighting or something out of a dimmly lit coffee shop. The wall behind the author is mostly glass, a slew of large windows and it faces the west side of down town denver. This time of year when the sky is dark and silhouettes of tall buildings are lit up & traffic streams along the streets below there is a candelescant glow from the background that reminds me of Christmas lights. The scent of fresh coffee brewing from the coffee shop two floors below me fills the air and for a few moments it seems like this moment couldn't get any more perfect. This is what I miss from my college experience.

The Politician
Two days later I'm taking a hour off work because I can & our office encourages us to be a part of activities on campus. There are two old unused churches on campus, one is used as a gallary & the other is used as an event center. I'm in the one used as an event center. The ceiling in here is easily 80 ft above you with mildly impressive stain glass windows along the walls. They are more for light then decoration. The front of the room has a stage where the first non-jewish member of the knesset is speaking. He is part of an ethnic minority called Druze or People of the Monotheism (Google it, plenty of interesting info about them). The speaker is talking about social, ethnic, & political pluralism in Israel & democracy which is full of all sorts of fascinating details as it seems like we don't get much insight from our news here in the states. The presentation ends with a Q & A session where the fun began. I assume most of the people asking questions were palenstinians or supporters of palestine juding by their dress, ethnicity, and position of being critical against Israel. What started off as a discussion ends up turning heated as Israel is accused of this and that. The sad part was they were discussing this with a Israeli Statesman who knew a hell of alot more of what was going on in Israel then the palestinians. He was playing the role of educator and informing most of the Americans what was going on over there and in doing so he laid out a bunch of facts the Palestinians couldn't refute or argue with which was mildly amusing to the audience.

The discussion started out friendly but critical of this action or this move that Israel made and the individuals asking the questions weren't trying to start trouble as much as obtain a scholarly view on why Israel had done what it had done. A few students got up and I think they meant well but took their questions & opinions into more of an attack on the Israeli politician. I remember at one point a Palestinian sitting infront of me stated loudly "I hated Israel". There was a professor of some sort trying to keep order and calm students. After a few more questions the tension disapated from the room and everyone seemed to be calm enough to speak to each other without death threats, screaming, or anger.

Not knowing much about the conflict or the cultures I can't speak to all the issues going on in that room but I remember the experience. The speaker's take on peace on the middle east...how he understands human nature and it isn't for peace rung in my ears as I left the church.

Both events capture bits of what I miss from college. I miss the days knowing my ideas would be challenged or hearing a different perspective on a situation. I miss living outside of a comfortable bubble where people are passionate, not just over starbucks or getting a day off work, or seeing the funny email that is going around the office. I miss hearing people struggle with ideas & beliefs in a genuinely passionate manner. I miss hearing about the details of life that move someone to experience events with passion. I am not saying life after college is dull and boring but there was something about those memories & experiences in college that made me feel alive.

Random, very random

So I volunteered to be in a research study where the levels of a drug used to treat HIV are measured in the blood stream. A control group of HIV negative subjects were needed and I volunteered to participate in that group. Why you ask, because they pay WELL. Not sure how many of you all know this but volunteers for medical related research studies are typically paid well. The first $500 doesn't have to be claimed to the IRS. I got paid $800 for my study so I had to set up a savings account for tax time...anyway...

So the plan was to take a pill twice a day for two weeks. Every 3 or 4 days I would go into the hospital where the researchers where and stay there all day. Part of the study involved hospital stays where blood was drawn every few hours to be tested. This sounds boring but actually I loved staying at the hospital. I could watch movies, sleep, read books, visit people I know (I work for a medical college so I know a few people at the hospital) and come and go as I pleased. I spent most of the time reading, studying for my grad classes, and sleeping.

Now we get to the interesting part of the story. Part of the study involved obtaining a fat sample from me for testing (They needed a fat sample as people who are on the drug for long periods of time complain of losing fat in certain parts of the body and gaining fat in other parts). So this fat sample came from my rear! It was liposuction and I was sick during the procedure and almost passed out. On the first day of the study they took a sample from one cheek and on the last day they took a sample from my other cheek. It was a very small sample and didn't hurt.

It is interesting to ponder most people pay someone else to have fat liposuctioned off themselves but I was paid to have liposuction performed on me. My life is so rough...

I was drinking Tang

It has been so long many of you are wondering, Where has Duane been? Why hasn't he posted anything recently? He sure has been gone a long time...is he lost somewhere never to be found again? Lost somewhere with other lost items like brown shag carpet, TV trays, swatch watches, or TANG.

What ever happened to Tang? Everyone was into Tang back in the late 70s. There where Tang commericals and you could find it in super markets but not anymore. About 5 years ago I had an instatiable craving for Tang and in a fit of desperation I scoured through coolers at a elementary kids soccer tournament but alas there was no Tang to be found. Where did it go after the mid 80s?

Truth is I lost my blogspot password and have been studying. Yep...just checking in and letting everyone know...I'm not dead...yet.