Recently a childhood friend of mine became ordained (as a pastor or preacher...not sure what his title is...then again I'm not great with details...just the big picture...yup I'm a big picture guy...my buddy is working for God...that is a little too big & vague...sorry). He sent an email a while later to notify of a mobile phone change...I assume it was also a change in job as he is doing ministry stuff (working for God) but then again I am assuming and I haven't spoken to him and remember I'm not good with details...
While hearing of his ordination I was excited but at the same time it has caused me to stop & reflect about my time in a graduate program at Denver seminary. When I left my life was busy and I was over whelmed with school, work, being a youth leader, and doing a bunch of activities for the church and a few other reasons. Some reasons were concious decisions and others were not well understood and clear. One concious reason I left was because I couldn't complete my program at the seminary with out quitting my job to find a job with flexible hours. I don't make much and at that point in time a pay cut with fewer hours wasn't a viable option for me and I didn't see any opportunities to work part time anywhere. The seminary is very expensive and paying my own way without tution assistance of some sort would have grown to be a huge expense.
The concious reasons on their own don't make much sense as God would provide and there are student loans but we are forgetting those unconcious reasons. The unconcious reasons that seemed to loudly agree with the concious reasons only without explaining themselves or without my understanding of them. It would take weeks of clearing my mind and being away from the seminary to have some clarity about these obtuse reasons.
I was talking with a friend who started her graduate program the semster I dropped out and she was excited. She was working for a center that helped troubled & disadvantaged youth and consistently voluntering for soup kitchens or visiting nursing homes. She was insanely happy and passionate about what she was doing and I wasn't. I realized I didn't care about the work as much as I thought. I wasn't passionate about people in the same way she was. All my life I have liked counseling and talking/listening to people but I realized going to a seminary just to get a degree in a program that is somewhat interesting with little passion or commitment was a waste of space for students who truly wanted to be there. I was stealing the seat of someone who would be passionate about counseling people and would pursue that profession afterwards. I want to work in a field where I can help people but I realized that idea needs refining and some clarity.
A couple weeks ago while visiting a church I struck up a conversation with the senior pastor. He was a Denver seminary graduate and I mentioned I dropped out without going into many details. I will never forget the way he looked me in the eye and told me I can always go back.
Few things in life take you back. Most people and things are so busy or so into themselves once you are out of the picture everything is over. Life is about change and usually so much of it happens you can't go back...you can't always go back.
I am looking at graduate programs through CU Denver and thinking about what am I really passionate about and what am I really concerned about. The programs I'm looking at fit my hours and there maybe tution assistance of some sort. I figure I should take a couple courses and gauge my interest and commitment level before entering any programs.
You can't always go back...
I was talking with a friend of mine who was going to become a police officer and he ended up dropping out of the academy as he realized in his first week at the academy that he didn't want to be a cop nor work in law enforcement. He still doesn't seem to know what profession he wants to pursue but at least he knows what he doesn't want to do. So by process of elimination he knows that professions with law enforcement related fields he won't go into. That counts for something.
can't always...
So I think of my time at the seminary in the same way. I know what I'm not passionate about and why my motivation for going there was but I also discovered alot about myself after leaving.
...go back
I am still thinking about how to refine my ideas and what I want profession would be good to pursue but in the mean time the words of that pastor warm part of me. I probably won't go back, but knowing that I could...that counts for something.
