Who I am

I remember at the end of my first semester in seminary I had a huge crisis. It was the last day to sign up for the next semester and I was struggling to figure out my schedule, find classes I wanted to take at times I could take, pay for it and balance a job & a few ministries I was involved in with all that was going on. I was struggling with everything on my plate. The idea of going to class was frustrating me as I just wanted to help people. I remember sitting in a parking lot facing Broadway with the registration office on hold as I stared out the window of my car. I was over whelmed with the desire to get out of my car & feed the homeless or engage them & frustrated that I couldn’t. I desperately wanted to help people and find a way to help them and instead of living that passion I had to organize my schedule & pick classes & go to seminary. It was upsetting and frustrating and agonizing all at once. I dropped out of seminary that semester, left the church I grew up in, and dropped out of every ministry I was involved with.

Something happened to me in my car that day. I either lost or buried parts of myself and stopped pursuing the live I loved & wanted that day. Maybe I lost myself, maybe I lost parts of myself, maybe I lost my passions, maybe I lost the will to fight through struggles and help others. Maybe I was frustrated with who I was that I started running from myself and everything I believed in or valued. I don’t know all that happened to me but I know it wasn’t permanent.

Over the last year I have been thinking about what I want to do in life and what is important to me. I have been thinking about who I am from a different perspective. I have rediscovering who I used to be and who I was striving to become. One of my recent discoveries is my desire to serve/help others. I used to volunteer for an agency that took meals to sick shut-ins, feed the homeless, volunteer at church, and offer to help others all the time. When I left seminary I stopped doing those activities. I have recently begun to volunteer and find ways to help people and I love it. I have started helping with project CURE. A couple friends have invited me to help them on trips to feed the homoeless and it has been loads of fun.

I miss doing these things. I miss being the type of person who did these things & looked for ways to do these things. Some days it doesn’t come easy and it isn’t natural for me to find ways to serve others. I know I have a lot to learn and much to discover but it is nice to feel good about who I am and do what I like to do.