My odd epiphany

I had an epiphany this weekend when I was in conflict with a friend. It was not a big conflict or anything to destroy a friendship, no screaming, no yelling. We had a disagreement and I had this moment where I realized what I wanted to do and I had this moment to make a choice about doing what I wanted vs going along with my friend (If you are reading this right now you may think I am slightly off, take medications, etc., etc.,...go ahead laugh & make jokes). Maybe it takes conflict to make those ideas or choices come to life enough I am aware of them.

Being conscious is something I take for granted and it is something I willingly give up so often. I get so caught up in rushing off to my job and doing volunteer work or hanging out with friends that I forget to be aware of my own thoughts & feelings. I know it sounds odd to be so busy I shut myself down but that is how I coped with life growing up. I just sucked it up and was strong and in doing so I did not allow myself to feel certain things or think certain things. You do what you need to do survive.

Maybe it is also part of being an adult, I don't let other people control me or manipulate me and I have my own opinions. Part of living is following your desires and doing what you need to so you can pursue what makes you happy or at least allows one to get by. Maybe I have spent so much time doing I rarely stop in the moment to be and be aware.

Whatever was going on I am not as worried about as I am grateful for that moment. It did revive in me something that is energetic and lively. Something about using my mind & will and being aware of them that I have not done lately. Maybe this explains why I get so hung up on entertainment instead of thinking or living or pursuing my dreams? (There I go wondering again...my major personality flaw) Either way I have noticed in the days since that conflict I have been mindful over the last few days. Some days it seems easier to not be mindful but I enjoy my observations and how it seems much easier to put things in perspective, respond to people, and handle situations when I am mentally alert.