I am sick

I have a head cold...came down with it in the middle of the week. It is unpleasant and I probably should have taken time off work I went into work. I kept telling myself if I could not focus or concentrate I would let my supervisors know I am sick, having problems focusing, and I would go home. I did not want to leave because I was feeling very ambitious and able to get many projects and duties accomplished. I have been behind and I was able to catch up somewhat so I should take better care of myself but I was happy about how productive my week was while I was sick.

It is crazy how being sick makes me more determined to get things done & work hard. I am definitely not normal nor the average worker in America.

Maybe my behavior & attitude is normal for the American work ethic? We all work too hard and do not take care of ourselves...maybe I have slowly adapted to the workaholic world...interesting to reflect on how I have changed into what I never thought I would become.

Weekend Getaway - Fort Collins

I have not explored the great state I live in, Colorado, much lately so I got away to Fort Collins this weekend. I have not spent any time there aside from driving through so it was nice to try a couple restaurants, drive around, see the town and have an impression of the big city north of Denver.

I liked spending time on my own & the change of pace. I have realized a good vacation is not about traveling to a foreign country or exotic location but going to a place that breaks up the normal routine. If I can travel in state and get away for a couple days and it costs a few hundred dollars then I am lucky and an easy to please traveler.

My impression of Fort Collins was it is a college town with interesting restaurants & outdoor excursions. The downtown area looks fun and I will have to return to explore it as well as a couple nature reserves & parks I did not have time to visit. Horse tooth reservoir looks like a great place for boating & hiking. It is huge & I will have to return to do more exploring. I found a couple fun coffee shops (The Alley Cat & The Wild Boar) while I was there so I will return to visit them as well

The frustrating thing about Fort Collins is U turns are not permitted in many intersections & it always seems to be in the areas where I wanted to make a U turn. I realized even though I had a good deal at a Motel 6 it was insanely noisy (one night I did not get to sleep until 2 a.m.) and the crowd was questionable looking at best. I did have air conditioning so at least I did not fry!

Funk

I was in a funk today. Not sure if it is tied to not being able to achieve in my work life, lack of interpersonal connections in social life, not being able to get a date with a couple girls I like, more grief from mom passing away, or just funk in general. Maybe it is because the Miami Heat beat the Spurs to win another NBA Championship or because James Gandolfini died?

Until I can figure out, let's just blame it on the Miami Heat.

Grieving

I was not sure what to expect with the grieving process since my mother has passed. I was at peace with her passing but that does not mean I will not have to deal with emotions & or that I will not go through the grieving process. I have allowed myself time to feel & deal with the anger & sadness but I noticed more emotion which I was not sure how to deal with or maybe I am not ready to deal with? Time may be the best answer to this question.

I have not felt anything overwhelming or experienced anything that I could not work through emotionally & logically. There have been less than a handful of moments where I was overwhelmed with emotion but had dealt with it in moments. I have also noticed I have experienced a few of the stages of grief & loss. I have had moments where I experienced pieces of anger, sadness, and the bargaining stages. I know there is no set way to go through the process and I may go through the stages multiple times or stay in one for a long period of time.

The only thing that really shocks me about all of this is how much it helps to get plenty of rest & be well fed. I usually get seven hours maybe seven and a half hours of sleep but some nights I am getting nine. I have also started to eat larger meals which seems to be soothing.

Having many diversions helps as well. I have let a few projects slide as most of my free time has been spent on rehabbing my ankle, reading, or catching up with friends. I think having more time to myself also me to feel like life is moving forward. If I was not doing as much I could see how focusing on my grief could cause the emotions to form a cycle of anger, sadness, that would consume my thinking and keep me from trying to move on.

Finding rituals help as well. During church services I now light a candle for my mother. I want to get back to writing & reading at open mic events. Get back into acting & using my theatrical abilities as well. I know the activities I volunteer my time to I can dedicate them to my mother.

I have also been considering how my mother lived her life and how I can emulate her to honor her memory. She had some natural character traits that do not come naturally for me and I will need to work at a couple areas but I know I can honor her by making my life count. By using my time, talents, and abilities I can honor her memory and live in the same way she lived which will keep the best parts of her alive.

I almost gave myself Frost Bite

With my sprained ankle I kept putting ice on it while I was house sitting. I had dinged it a few times and was trying to stay off of it to rest. I would sit on the couch with ice on it or a cold pack of some sort. I never put a cloth or anything between the cold pack & my skin. It was insanely cold and I kept thinking I had hurt myself so much I needed to have the cold pack on my skin.

After seeing a red splotch develop on my ankle where the cold pack was I thought my ankle was not doing well. Even when it was strong and I did not have any problems I thought I was not doing well. It took me a while to realize it was the cold pack damaging my skin. The area that was red had developed into a leather like looking finish. It has started to break up and some it is peeling off. The skin that peels off is hard & dry, dead skin.

Luckily it only affected the top layer of skin and did not go deeper or cause serious injury. Since it is the top layer it is not technically Frostbite, it is called Frostnip. I gave myself Frostnip...

Looking good!

For a few years I had an amazing hair stylist named Joni. She was at Gentleman's Quarters but decided to take some time off. She is cutting hair again at a shop called Chopz. I have seen her a few times and she does an amazing job on my hair and I am super happy with the cut. I am glad as the girl I saw after Joni was not doing a good job and I was starting to worry my hair would never look good again! Now I am happy I look good again!

If you are a guy in the Denver area I strongly recommend checking out Joni at Chopz Men Salon off 6th & Grant. Visit them online at www.chopzmensalon.com

My mom passed on

A little over a week a go I received that phone call. The one we all wonder when it will happen. I have wondered how it would sound and who would call me. It was my Dad, letting me know that my mom had passed away. I was at work when the call came through, it was before 4 p.m. It was enough to distract me and throw me off I had trouble concentrating the rest of the day.

At first I did not feel anything. I did not feel pain or was not sure what to expect. At one point when I allowed myself to feel inside it felt like some string or tendon that held my world together had been cut and part of me was undone. I could sense great emotion there but could not process it.

Due to her failing health over the last couple years I am not very surprised. She had not been physically active and was using her wheel chair or was in her bed all the time. I do not recall her doing much physical therapy and do not recall her strength returning over the last few years. Her health has been failing for a few years. She was younger, only 67, but there comes a point where one has to be honest. She has not bounced back over from ailing health the last few years and has steadily lost physical ability. She is not getting any younger and not recovering. Everyone’s life comes to an end and everyone eventually leaves this world of the living. Her time was coming, faster than we may have expected but in some ways it was expected.

A night in an Irish bar...

I did not go out to a sports bar to watch the finals game last night. I stayed home and watched it at home. Tonight I went out to one of my favorite Irish pubs and chilled out watching a baseball game. There was a string band playing Irish music in the background and it was not crowded at all. A perfect night to sit near the door, feel the cool breeze on my skin and enjoy a quieter night at a bar.

Tonight?

Last Thursday, during the first game of the NBA finals, I was at Chad's, my favorite local sports bar, watching the game. It was a great game! The Spurs won and since I am routing for the Spurs it made the game all the more enjoyable!! I could not complain while hanging out with a friendly waitstaff and I happened to catch a few happy hour specials! I will watch the game tonight and have my fingers crossed for another Spurs victory!!! GO SPURS!

Waterfalls....

I estimate that on most days I drink between 70 - 80 ounces of fluid (it could be water, coffee, tea, soda, etc., etc.,). Today I drank close to 150 ounces of fluid (water, soda, & tea). I realized why I should not drink so much...I spend more time in the bathroom and more time tortured by the thought of waterfalls, streams, pools, swimming, etc., etc. I should not complain...I have enough to drink and am well hydrated.

Classes

I recently finished a class about working in the voice over industry. We read a couple commercials which were recorded so we could listen to them. It was fun and took me back to my theatre roots from college as well as all the open mic & public speaking I use to do. It made me realize how much I miss performing.

I could volunteer to read for the blind or start visiting coffee shops for the open mic nights again. I am not sure which direction I will take but I know I will start pursuing something.

Taking the classes was a way to explore interests and see how industry's & professions work. I am in a space where it is okay for me to ask those questions while I look around. I am not leaving my day job...just exploring my interests & what possibilities are out there.

Bumping into friends on the light rail

I sat down on the light rail the other morning. I was at the end of a car and going into work and the lady across from me looked like the wife of my youth pastor. She was wearing a Chicago bears shirt and part of me thought "It cannot be her sitting on the light rail wearing a Chicago Bears shirt". A moment later when she asked me if who I was I realized it was her and I need to stop thinking I will never run into old friends on the light rail.