What have I become

I'm reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. He has one chapter soley dedicated to evaluating one's self. He sites the verse that talks about testing one's self to see you are alive or in the faith (the christian faith). I haven't always been consistent about evaluating myself to gauge my faith. Matter of fact, I am flat out horrible at doing so.

Aside from examples & questions Chan provided I couldn't help but think about things that have happened to me or others have said about lately. A co-worker made the remark I don't like dogs & children. Of course I work in an office full of women that overflow with emotional sentiment that men can't relate too & I don't own a dog or have children so there is a distinction to take into account there. But there is something in that remark that tells me how I have been carrying myself or how I express my thoughts about children & dogs that is different then how I did years ago. I remember having a slowness of though or time as I would see children. I would smile as I am easily amused by everything they would do...be it falling down or a random wave to a toothy grin while wearing mix matched clothes. Now days I am described as getting sentimental over barbed wire & cloudy days...when did I change?

While walking around down town on my lunch hour I passed a individual in a wheel chair who had scarring on their face. It looked like they could not speak and held up a sign for money. It was obviously not someone scamming people for money but someone who had been severly burned and begging for help with a card board sign. I remember when I was in Brazil giving away the money I had to beggars on the street (I was living off all the money I had and it was a huge risk to give most of what I had away before I left but it all worked out). I remember going into debt to give money after hurricane Katrina hit. I use to carry extra water in my car & hand it out to homeless begging at street corners. Now I'm wearing an expensive outfit that costs more than what I make in a few days and I do happen to have cash on me and I walk right on by almost without thinking about it. When did I change?

These are just areas I know I can share with anyone that I do feel the urge to reflect on and ask myself questions about where I am going and what I am doing with my time, talents, beliefs or actions. The longer one is in the Christian faith the more one is to pursue Godliness and holiness. I don't mean for this post to make it sound like I have left the faith or turned into a demon. Not all of my changes are negative. I feel I'm better at attempting to be diplomatic instead of letting my emotions overwhelm me and I am better at attempting to encourage people to do the right thing or talk about philosophy and Christian ideas (I use to avoid talking about my faith).

I am much better identifying temptation and avoiding it instead of blinding going along with anything that comes my way and maybe choosing to honor God. For example I have turned down many sexual advances from one woman over the last few months. I have refused her advances so much she now thinks I'm gay and has started telling people. While one hand it is funny that a rumor about me is going around on the other hand it sucks to be misunderstood or have my sexuality called into question just because I refuse someone. In the end it is all about sharing in the sufferings of Christ and if this takes me closer to that experience in some shape or form then I don't mind it too much.

Identity

The last couple weeks have been filled with themes of identity. I stopped into a bookstore to kill some time before a dinnner with family and ended up reading a philosophy book that had to do with identity theory. The chapter I was into was kicking around a few different theories of identity, one is that when we loose memories of something we have become a different person, another was that the brain completely regenerates every seven years so we are a new person every seven years or so.

I rented some movies to enjoy while house sitting and ended up once again reflecting on ideas of Identity. The JCVD movie & Chrysalis both dealt with identity in different ways. JCVD was about VD being misunderstood and seeking to set himself apart and in some ways find himself. Chrysalis is a crime-thriller with the story of a couple European police intertwined with a mother & daughter who have both experienced loss & tragedy. Both are involved with an ex secret agent who has a memory modification machine which creates plenty of drama as the detective (David) losses his memories and the mother is trying to save her daughter’s memories. After losing his memories David begins to make discovery's to figure out what he can do or who he is. My favorite line in the movie is when the detective admits to being afraid of the person he use to be and in a symbolic act turns down access to stolen memories that hold the key to his past and his identity. He walks away making the statement we can always change or recreate who we want to be.

One theory of identity is based of memories we retain and another I encountered is based off biology & our brain's ability to regenerate. I like what David in Chrysalis was doing to find or create his identity, making discoveries about himself. It sounds odd and maybe it isn't as natural as going by memory or biology but when it comes down to it...you definately remember and are shaped by the things you discover. As I continue to grow and change I may lose some memories and my body will slow down and fail but I hope to never stop making discoveries!! That is key to who I am...or who I want to be.

Duane’s thoughts from the weekend of April 3rd through April 5th.

Even though I just spent most of an afternoon reading about playing against tight players and having them seated on my right with loose players on my left…I’m in a game with a tight players on my left and right. They are taking all my chips and there is nothing I can do to stop it!

I am attracted to the card dealer. I saw her a year ago and wasn't interested but after a year I like her and she probably doesn't remember me. Wow I have bad timing!

Why did I make that bet…that was a stupid bet. WHAT AM I DOING??? I hope the card dealer still finds me interesting despite a horrible exhibition of poker skills.

Paul Walker was kind of a clown in the First Fast & Furious movie but now he is a rock star. He has more on screen presence than Vin Diesel.

This movie should not be titled Fast & the Furious…it should be titled Fast Cars & Lesbians. Its every teenage boys dream come true!

I am out with a girl who is unloading the broken parts of her soul…do something to help & be compassionate…how? Hold her hand. Crazy how this is working…it has been over three minutes and she is still holding my hand!!!

I have to throw up…quietly excuse yourself for fresh air, leave slowly, now outside walk away very fast, at least past two shops, now it is safe to….URPPPPPPPPP!!! No one saw it…I am so smooth.