What have I become

I'm reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. He has one chapter soley dedicated to evaluating one's self. He sites the verse that talks about testing one's self to see you are alive or in the faith (the christian faith). I haven't always been consistent about evaluating myself to gauge my faith. Matter of fact, I am flat out horrible at doing so.

Aside from examples & questions Chan provided I couldn't help but think about things that have happened to me or others have said about lately. A co-worker made the remark I don't like dogs & children. Of course I work in an office full of women that overflow with emotional sentiment that men can't relate too & I don't own a dog or have children so there is a distinction to take into account there. But there is something in that remark that tells me how I have been carrying myself or how I express my thoughts about children & dogs that is different then how I did years ago. I remember having a slowness of though or time as I would see children. I would smile as I am easily amused by everything they would do...be it falling down or a random wave to a toothy grin while wearing mix matched clothes. Now days I am described as getting sentimental over barbed wire & cloudy days...when did I change?

While walking around down town on my lunch hour I passed a individual in a wheel chair who had scarring on their face. It looked like they could not speak and held up a sign for money. It was obviously not someone scamming people for money but someone who had been severly burned and begging for help with a card board sign. I remember when I was in Brazil giving away the money I had to beggars on the street (I was living off all the money I had and it was a huge risk to give most of what I had away before I left but it all worked out). I remember going into debt to give money after hurricane Katrina hit. I use to carry extra water in my car & hand it out to homeless begging at street corners. Now I'm wearing an expensive outfit that costs more than what I make in a few days and I do happen to have cash on me and I walk right on by almost without thinking about it. When did I change?

These are just areas I know I can share with anyone that I do feel the urge to reflect on and ask myself questions about where I am going and what I am doing with my time, talents, beliefs or actions. The longer one is in the Christian faith the more one is to pursue Godliness and holiness. I don't mean for this post to make it sound like I have left the faith or turned into a demon. Not all of my changes are negative. I feel I'm better at attempting to be diplomatic instead of letting my emotions overwhelm me and I am better at attempting to encourage people to do the right thing or talk about philosophy and Christian ideas (I use to avoid talking about my faith).

I am much better identifying temptation and avoiding it instead of blinding going along with anything that comes my way and maybe choosing to honor God. For example I have turned down many sexual advances from one woman over the last few months. I have refused her advances so much she now thinks I'm gay and has started telling people. While one hand it is funny that a rumor about me is going around on the other hand it sucks to be misunderstood or have my sexuality called into question just because I refuse someone. In the end it is all about sharing in the sufferings of Christ and if this takes me closer to that experience in some shape or form then I don't mind it too much.