Community

Last week after leaving the small group from my church one of the guys made a comment about hanging out to see a movie and it threw me. I like everyone in the group and want to spend time with them and foster connections but I have not done anything to initiate anything. I am sure this gives off a vibe which makes me come across as distant or uninterested in connecting with people. There is an age difference which adds to generational differences and I was too much of the party type guy or super social in college so there are some differences which making connecting a bit of a challenge. When I heard the guy say that it made me realize I have not done much to foster involvement with the group.

I remember agreeing we should hang out but I did not say anything to make plans. I know that I need to be better about taking initiative to engage people and make plans. Later in the week I did reach out to a couple and suggested a movie & lunch and we ended up having lunch and seeing Abraham Lincoln, Vampire hunter. While I can not recommend the movie (unless you happen to be a group of guys hanging out who want a mindless action movie with silly history tie ins) I can say everything worked out. I enjoyed the time spent with the guys and felt I successfully take steps to connect with people in my small group.

Update on my truck

It took me a while to file a claim with the insurance company about my stolen truck. I always procrastinate the important things...personal flaw!

While I was talking with the insurance company I realized I did not have full coverage on my truck. Basically I was not paying for comprehensive coverage which means the insurance company does not have to pay me anything when it was stolen.

I vaguely remember when I set up the policy thinking the truck was so old no one would steal it. If no one would steal it then it is not worth paying extra insurance for comprehensive coverage. Which at that time made sense...but I forgot about making those decisions. When it was stolen I was hoping to get reimbursed for the cost of the truck.

Needless to say my weekend will be spent reviewing every insurance policy I have as I attempt to understand them all and make sure everything I want or need covered is covered.

Leave

I happen to be one of those workers who saves hours & hours of vacation and never takes any time off. I just store up vacation & sick leave (I could be on that TV show for hoarders...different type of hoarding but still hoarding).

I found out I have almost two weeks of leave expiring if I don't take it. Aside from feeling silly that I save so much leave I have weeks of it expiring I feel silly that I don't take vacations.

If I should stick to one New Years resolution it should be taking time off to use my vacation leave.

Control

One thing that I noticed about the last month is the lack of control I have at work, with friends, and in general. At work I may have projects dumped on me, a barrage of incoming emails & phone calls about emergencies that consume my time all day, or unexpected problems to respond to without any support. I manage to do it but I struggle with having zero sense of control.

My workouts were taken over to get fit for the Tough Mudder. I was running and going to run in a 10k race but got off schedule while training for the Tough Mudder. Now that it is over I can do what I want for exercise. I have had so many house sitting gigs the last month & a half I cannot enjoying relax at my favorite hangout in Lakewood because I am forced to be in a different side of town.

I am reacting to everything and it drives me bonkers. I like the feeling of managing my schedule, my time, and my life. Lately I have been forced to do react to various things. It reminds me of being in high school and the feelings of helplessness as I would scurry from work, to school, and to church.

In some ways this is an odd post for me because I am not very guyish and never thought being in control or having power was very important but here I am realizing how little control I have had over my life & schedule the last month and a half and it bothers me. Guess I am like most men after all. The C word is all about control and I can't wait to exercise some control over my time & life.

Journaling

I have been rereading Gordon McDonald’s Ordering Your Inner World. He covers a variety of practices that help to develop the inner world. One thing he advocates is journaling. I have kept journals since I was fourteen. At that point in time it led me to believe I was becoming a great writer, developing my mind, and becoming a brilliant thinker. I recently reread some of those journal entries and they are all about girls I liked & what emotions I experienced during the day with my usual crazy nonsense in every other sentence. At least what I journal today has good sentence structure, ideas, reflections, and semi-coherent thoughts. Most of my previous entries looked similar to “I LOVE so-so, she is wonderful and makes me feel SO gooooood”. Maybe there was a bit more there but I can see how my journaling has definitely improved over the years and I enjoy rereading my more recent journals then the ones from when I was fourteen (note to self: burn or recycle journals from the teenage years soon).

I have gotten out of the habit of journaling and I am not sure why. Maybe I am tired at the end of the day? Maybe I feel like I ask more questions than arrive at answers? It can be difficult to capture in writing my mental discoveries as sometimes the joy of a revelation is best treasured as an internal experience and best kept or stored in the mind.

It might have happened during that time in my life where I let go of all my coping skills and ended up in a place without them. It was not until after I was in counseling a few years ago I rediscovered the joy of awareness and discovery. Those seemed like life changing revelations at that point in time and I seem to have already lost them (sad).

The more I think about journaling it has played a strong mechanism for reflection and also examining thoughts & emotion that I cannot always do with another person. Sometimes it is a place for discovery and at other times I am doing it just because I think my writing is excellent and my thoughts are genius (the simple proof there is a God is that he did not strike me down after I wrote that last sentence or this sentence...but if I get hit my a bus tomorrow at least I will know why)!

Over the last five years or so I spent most of my time entertaining myself, getting outside and living an active lifestyle, as well as pursing various interests such as counseling, reading, investing, and volunteering. Maybe I have substituted blogging for journaling as a writing exercise and reflective practice? I do tend to lend more humor to my blog and less introspective ideas or much about my emotions on my blog. I am guess I am still not sure how much is too much to self disclose and yet I enjoy writing exercises where I explore these issues on a public blog for anyone to read (that last sentence is proof I will self disclose just about anything...including how indecisive I can be).

As I bring this blog entry to a close I am temped to mock myself by stating I am writing about journaling therefore I have no life & it sucks! I am also tempted to close with a thought full of sentiment, or an original quib, or something that I think is profound but is probably not even coherent English. I will do neither, I will end with a question for anyone reading this blog entry. What do you like to read & how important is reflection to you fellow bloggers?

I route for the Bad Guys!

Years ago a friend of mine observed I route for the bad guys. When we watched sports or TV shows he always routed for the hero's I always routed for the foes of his heroes. (Sometimes I routed for the villains just piss him off but I have noticed I do tend to route for the bad guys, evil men, the villains).

In the NBA finals I am routing for...The Miami Heat. The Heat are the team that many fans love to hate. They have LeBrone James who is an amazing player, great talent, most likely future hall of famer, but he has loads of critics who do not like him. It seems like most NBA fans I know of love to hate him.

I never had a negative or positive opinion of LeBrone. He has always been fun to watch and an impressive player. When he moved to Miami I know many people started to complain and I also hear of people disliking him because he comes across as overly cocky. Moving to Miami he probably saved money off his contract (If he were cocky that would annoy me but I don't think after watching a professional athlete on TV I could interrupt every thought, mood, & attitude they held during their performance).

It came me tonight while watching game 1. Oklahoma wears white, they have a more talented group of players on the bench, and they have this incredible winning streak going on and Kevin Durant had that young likeable thing going on. Oklahoma is obviously the good guys, protagonists, or heroes in this sporting event. Which leaves the Heat as the bad guys, antagonists, or the villains which Oklahoma must defeat.

Considering I just pointed out Oklahoma has a more talented group of players on the bench, the incredible winning streak going, and Kevin Durant being everyone's golden boy then maybe I am not routing for The Heat because they are bad guys. Maybe I am routing for them because they are under dogs?

I am half a Mudder

A group from my church were running through the Tough Mudder to raise funds for charity. We were going to each carry a piece of a cross in backpack through the course and assemble it at the end. Some people in our group did not want to do the mudder with the cross which we said we would do for charity and few people were adamant on doing it with the cross.

With only four hours of sleep and stomach issues I drove to Beaver Creek and once I had parked I was relieved to see the team by my vehicle ready to pick up pieces of the cross. We loaded up and carried six pieces up there. Two of the guys who did not want to carry their pieces left them at home and another guy from Pathways (My church) carried a piece for us.

The race was interesting. Before we could get to the start line we had to get over a 10 foot wall and hike 50 feet up an inclined hill. I realized I was not prepared for the race as I had to stop multiple times up the mountain. The first mile was all uphill and it took most of it out of me. My team was very encouraging & helpful. Some members without back packs would carry other people's packs for a while to give them a break. They really did embody what it meant to do it as a team.

Our team was lagging and the last team to go through. Teams were released in waves and we ended up in the final wave to go out that day. Moving through the course at altitude is tough but with 40 pound packs on your back it really slows you down. They were closing obstacles after we would go through them.

I was up on the mountain for three hours before I realized I would have to leave early to get back to my house & dog sitting gig. I managed to complete five miles and seven of the ten obstacles. It was amazing to go through the obstacles. I was thinking I would skip most of them but they were fun. Climbing under cargo nets, carrying logs uphill, swimming through ice moats, and climbing over logs & through dusty wooden tunnels.

I did not finish the course, I finished half the course. So then I can say I am half a mudder. So far this summer is fun & challenging and hopefully no more time will be spent in the mud!

Truck update

I received a notice from the City of Denver that the report on my truck has been turned into an inactive case. Most likely because there have been nothing reported on my vehicle.

When I told a few friends it was stolen they joked it would be found a couple months from now in ditch with someone living in it. The thought made me laugh but the more I think about it could happen. I don't know if I ever told anyone but I never expected to see it again. The day it was stolen I had this feeling it was gone and I would never get it back.

Look on the bright side...at least I don't have to drive a KIA!!

Self medication

A friend of mine (Heidi Chase) wrote something original & brilliant which I wish I could take credit for. I wish I wrote this but it comes from a friend of mine’s blog, “self-medicating does not feed the soul”.

I think of all the days when I have spent my time watching playoff games, playing PC games, watching movies or TV. It is easy to think I am doing something I enjoy or something relaxing but at times I must admit I was just self-medicating. Why is it so easy to think filling my life & time with things that make me feel good will somehow fulfill me? Why is it so easy to pursue those things?

Random Friday exchanges

After work while walking to my car I passed a guy sitting on a bench. He looked discombobulated as he was shaking, having problems focusing on his had coming up to his head, and with the dirty work clothes I assumed he was homeless. I smiled and he did not. He waved as I was starting to look away. He then called out to me with afternoon. I told him it was a beautiful afternoon as I was passing him. He then made some remark about how it was time to run again so I told him keep running. He then made some remark about how that was all he could do. By that point I was walking out of earshot and would not be able to hear much else.

As I walked away from the guy on the bench I begun to wonder about him. Was he homeless? Had he just gotten off some manual labor shift that tired him & caused him to look dirty? Was he on the run from someone or maybe an escapee from a prison or hospital? I did not know and was not bothered by it very much. The more I thought about it the more I realized that not knowing anything about the guy is what made the interaction what it was.

I do hope that whatever that guy is running from was not something vicious or malicious. I hope he is able to find what he is looking for.

The entire exchange reminded me of a coworker named Richard who was an attorney. Richard was insanely funny with a quick wit and great sense of humor. He seemed to be brimming with life and a love for all good pleasures in life. Richard was married to a wonderful woman and an avid college football fan. He was the type of guy who could talk & listen to anyone as well as have a joke for anyone & any situation. He was well liked by everyone in our department.

I had worked with Richard over four years before two odd things happened that should have caught my attention. One day while riding in the elevator I asked Richard what he would do if I did not work for the University and he became very quiet and starred off beyond the elevator doors. He said something along the lines of "I could have used what I know to become a criminal and made millions.". It was so out of character for him and the way he said it shook me so much I had no clue what to say. I almost didn't believe he said it and did not want to follow up the statement with any more questions in case he may reveal other things I had not known about him. Half a year later I was helping him work on a case he was investigating. I pulled data from our online job site for him and was explaining how part of the site worked. When I finished helping him he thanked me mentioning he was in a rush to meet a deadline to file a petition with the court and made reference to it being with in the week. I did not see or talk with Richard every day but from time to time we would chat or see each other in passing. Two weeks later he thanked me for helping him and made mention of needing to get his paperwork filed for the upcoming deadline which he mentioned was in a week or so. Another two weeks later he made similar remarks in passing.

It struck me odd that he would forget the date of deadline & keep pushing it back. Most attorney's I know are sticklers for details and don't miss a single shred of data and handling it accurately. I didn't think about it at the time but maybe he missed the deadline or was making up the date for the deadline each time we spoke. With in a few months Richard was let go for some reason comparable to gross or mass negligence. He was not doing his job to the standards set forth by management.

I use to wonder about Richard and what was going on. Was he a guy who faked his way through his job or was he unable to do the work but was good at fooling people? Either way it finally caught up with him and I have not seen or heard from him since. At times I wondered if Richard running from something? If so what and what happened to him?

In the end I will never know and all I am left with is memories of a couple odd exchanges that revealed more to the man then I knew but left more questions that were never answered. Like the dirty guy on the bench who was running from something. We had an awkward exchange and in the end all I know is he is running from something and I was not going to help him or could not advise him about what to do about it. All I could say was keep running.